Saturday, August 8, 2015

after years!!!!..

For the past couple of days or weeks.. or in fact months, I had been feeling restless. Things in life sometimes go my way, sometimes don't. Sometimes I like what is happening, sometimes I don't. I let myself ebb & flow in such situations because somewhere I know such things are bound to happen and part of life/growing/learning. Then suddenly a strange feeling began to creep in. I think this is how my mind is. Even when everything is seemingly perfect, I find a way to discover things that I'm missing or things I "might be" missing but am not aware of. I think I haven't been able to put it properly but it's something like that.

So I "analyzed" my life. All right, I've been an analyst, this is what I'm supposed to be best at doing. I tried to understand and differentiate between which things I love, like, dislike or hate in my life. To my relief, there was almost nothing that I could classify into the last category. (just noted the "almost" that I wrote in the sentence, it's funny, but I think I wrote that since an analyst needs to keep some space for error) Anyways, so there're things that I absolutely love,and want to continue doing. There are also some things I dislike, but they are just Ok. I cannot do much about them and I'm fine with continuing doing them them. And then there's this long list of things that I do and like and there're things that I don't do but would love to do. and this is where I need the change. I need to identify what I love and do more of that and reduce more of what I just "like". this is getting confusing but in my head, this is quite clear.

and that was the moment when I realized that I used to love writing & I used to love reading & I used to love helping others. None of the three I have been doing lately. I feel I've lost something, but I'm glad with this realization. I don't know how I'll add more of these activities to my life, but I "need to". darn.. i remember how i always wanted to write a book. makes me awfully sad that I won't be able to do that, but then that's just one of those so many things tht i always wanted to do. some of them i might be able to do..  i'm missing myself :( and feeling sad. actually not sad, i am happy doing the so many things I love & like, but perhaps feeling nostalgic.

i hope whatever i'm feeling right now, I continue to feel. and feel to an extent that it drives me to extend my "love to do" list. & that I don't forget this after half n hr and continue the way things are (just to return to this feeling again in some weeks/months/years) really hope so. let's see. what i'm feeling right now is :( :)

Friday, July 17, 2015

I need to travel and travel a lot. This is crazy but I almost continuously keep dreaming of snow clad mountains.!!

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Beyond the distant stars, beyond the blue deep skies, beyond the unfathomable horizons, beyond the mystic universe, there's something that is so inviting, so enticing and so candid. 

Monday, April 20, 2015

More notes

My strength lies in being myself and not getting impacted and disheartened by illogical comments.

Sometimes you don't want to write rather want the words to slip away into oblivion. One such moment is right now.

Want to close eyes and fly.

I cannot read what I write at times. I try to but have to stop in between. Makes me feel strange: 'is that me' kind of feeling. May be because it becomes tough to relate, given the momentum of how my thoughts (and I) change.

So when you travel, you get to know yourself more. You get to hear what generally goes unheard in the chaos. Roaming among random people at random places on random roads gives a kind of awareness that is so unique. It's like revisiting yourself and discovering what you never knew exists. 

The auto rickshaw wala telling that one of his daughters is CA and the other is pursuing engineering- and his explanation of how education is more important for girls than boys.. Just wanted to note this moment. 

Sometimes I just want to read and read and read.. read diverse and random, read bukowski and neruda.

Somethings impact but you cannot talk about them because you yourself don't understand them. They are senseless, may be useless, but they leave some mark on you. Perhaps forever.

I get inspired/touched/moved/influenced by way too many things.. a place, an idea, a piece of music or random words, some person or concept, some moment or random emotion. I really really feel I should have been less sensitive to all this. 

Need to learn so much, which I like.

Somedays are creative, some not. 

Some moments are like dream. Or to be precise, they fit somewhere in the middle of dream and wakefulness. 

 Déjà vu. 

Some music grows on you in such a way that the universe starts to appear small. 

What motivates me, what disturbs, what inspires is sometimes so random.

I think I love the word random and the concept of randomness way too much. No wonder most of the things I write has this word

There are things which undoubtedly take me closer to myself. Feels goodGreat 

I don't know how but somehow I always want to believe in and do what is right and good.

Empathy is very important. Or may be its not. But I'm yet to figure out this

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Notes from phone

Let go of little things. Peace of mind is more important.

Finding perfection in everything isn't possible. Striving for it is. The only thing I need to be aware of is 

Very strong note to self: I need to stop getting drifted away by small things and should not lose focus.

It's so easy to get drifted away.

I'm not lost, I'm finding myself.

Somehow same things mean different today, it's evolution I understand, but whose. What changes? It's interesting to dwell but seems useless, for this shall also change. So I just want to believe I'm learning through the observations and learning the right way. And I don't know what I mean by this 'right'. 

Cool confirms I'm as confused, may be more than when I started writing.

Sometimes you know some people so much that you confuse yourself with them.

The days when I'm so totally in some different world.
Not soon but someday definitely I would solve the puzzles, the clues are too tough to ignore now.

I like the way I fight with myself to be better.

Sometimes all the madness leaves me feel so crazy, I get into core of the little unimportant things, forgetting the important bigger ones.. I need to remind myself of the difference between the two and which needs my energy.

I've always believed in goodness of all. I hope it will continue. 

The best way to get out of a fascination is to find another one. The wisest is to ensure its a better one.

Some things are quietly disturbing, you never realise they can be so impactful. You wonder why, how but you're answerless, the only peace in it is that there's a lot to learn. So learn.

What I don't like is restrictions that is spending time on unimportant things which 'should' be done while there are other things more impactful which I so totally believe in.

So today I want to write about oceans. The vast boundless oceans, their depth and intensity, the way they carry within them abundance. 

Sunday, October 12, 2014

This is just a random moment out of million of random moments which wants to come out of this circle of randomness and become special. Has it or hasn't? Who knows!

Friday, September 5, 2014

mobile notes

During the past couple of months, so much has happened. I always wanted to write my thoughts here, but somehow I end up writing everything in mobile notes. These are random notes, some got deleted, some still here.

Watching a rain is so peaceful.

It's so overwhelming the way music answers all my questions.. pacifying all the storms occurring in my head.. enabling me see the beauty of little things. The so much triggering inside as if finds its answer.

How I see it is so different from how you see and yet it's just the same.

Your letting me be me is the love in its truest form.

In this moment, I have lived a zillion lives. I wish I could express.

This moment brings to me the wonder in its purest form. I don't know who I'm, why I'm but I can feel the truth of being, I can feel the love, faith, beauty. It's a wonderful moment.

Somewhere a bud is unfurling, somewhere it is.

Unknown yet familiar. Isn't it perplexing? Its in fact sweet. Sweet like sugar.

I wonder where all the things I write would go.

Sometimes I'm moved. Mostly just shaken.

I keep in my heart so much that I feel it'll come out of my eyes. I don't let it happen as I know no one will be able to differentiate between the feeling of overwhelmingness and tears. N I'll be answerless, helpless to explain this overwhelmingness.

A rain is so much more than mere droplets resulting from condensation in the water cycle. In my head, it writes thousand stories. 

This morning is different, its so different.

So what if it's not raining. Inside my head, there's already a flood.

It's not that I'm quiet these days, I'm secretive.

Sometimes it gets too much to absorb, gives you chill and shivers, the moment when you're about to witness something that you feel will be grand. You're scared of it not matching your expectations, in such moments you just feel like staying ignorant of the reality all throughout since you don't want to break the image you've in your mind regarding that.

Sometimes I'm so lost that I feel I'll never find a way back.

The best will find its way.

I'm happy while I'm traveling. Not just the holidaying type travel, any kind of travel. Traveling unfurls so much outside as well as inside. There's so much peace.

How to touch and yet stay untouched.

Wonder is -not knowing that you're so much in love and then realizing it in bits.

I don't like too much rhyming poems, something sounds weird. A poem should be free.

So I realized that I am an anti-attention seeker. I don't like people noticing me anywhichway. I want to quietly 'be'. I want to observe, feel, analyze, experience things in my own ways. I feel uncomfortable sharing myself with those who aren't close to me. I feel distracted if I cannot connect. It's not arrogance, it's myself. It's that enchantment of being an un-noted witness.  It's fulfilling. It's thrilling, it's absorbing. It's like music, which spreads throughout you and drenches you, when you've those earphones on and no one around you can see where you're treading and what you're experiencing. It's that delight of being there and yet swimming in the infinite oceans of bliss, unknown to others. It's the magic of those moments which let you just 'be' what you are, without pretenses, without the need to speak a word.

There's this road to fame and then there's this road.

It inspires me, inspires me ad infinitum, it gives me wings to fly, feet to dance, its rhythm is divine. It gives me the feel of divinity. This connect is liberation.

I want to be at the top of a mountain n the utmost bottom of an ocean.

I want to see all the exotic places on this globe. I want to be a traveller. I want to feel the motion of stars, the rhythm of rivers, the echoes of mountains, the serenity of landscapes, the chaos of forests, the vastness of deserts, the depths of oceans, the sweetness of life, the flavours of existence.

When I searched, I found nothing. When I let go the quest, I found it. I do not understand the logic.

Somehow I feel sometimes waiting is better than reaching out. It has its own pleasures.

It is as if you were sleeping for years. The initial moments of waking up. To see the world in new light, it's tough at the beginning but you're sure it's worth all effort.

There's nothing you can't learn. Absolutely nothing.

Keep trying is the only way and worth it.

A rain like this is magical. So peaceful.

I don't remember when I stopped questioning. And stopped searching. Is this all or I wanted more? 

So I'm learning, with each day, each thought, each failure, each success. Today I'm feeling okay knowing that the learning is there. I was stagnant for such a long time.

Turning pages, remembering and forgetting, drawing and erasing multiple times.. isn't this what everyone does?

When the places you've been to call you back, when once again you want to walk across those roads, amid the unknown people, hearing the  unknown languages, watching the signboards you find so difficult to read due to less proportion of vowels in the words.........

These amazing trajectories, the patterns of existence, the infinite universe which still is a conundrum, the illusion of knowledge, the puzzle of being there and yet being somewhere else too, the unsolved riddles, the unknown wistfulness, the unending search, and the serenity amid all this, overwhelms and amazes.It's not just the tune that matters, the right scale too.

Rains trigger me to write.

If at all.

So what was it that i wanted to write?

Sometimes you just need to follow your instincts and let go drilling into details.

I don't know what took me so long. So long.

Dropping verses on the way

You're the centre as well as the trajectory

Amazes me ad infinitum, this feeling of wonder.